Post retirement solution – become a celeb judge

Have a flagging career in the Bollywood or Hollywood industry? Are your movies no longer pulling in an audience? Or have you got too many wrinkles for the screen? Well, do not fear – become a celebrity judge!

Yes, this is the new age money-making mantra. Let us look at some famous celeb judges…

The first one that comes to mind is Simon Cowell of American Idol. Had you ever heard of him, before he became the nasty, brutally honest judge on TV? Even if you did have an inkling, there were no “we love Simon” or “I hate Simon” shirts on sale in US, like this before.

Paula Abdul – the lady’s singing career has nosedived; she hasn’t given a hit in years…but she’s making it big as a judge. Courting controversy for giving judgments beforehand, romancing contestants and getting into lip-locks with Simon are her TV trademarks.

And of course the DAWG – Randy Jackson. He has equated so many people with the canine breed, that he might as well be dogs own adopted Idol!

Then, I think of our very own Javed Akhtar. He started off in the Indian Idol as a respectable, intelligent old man, who used to be concerned with diction. Today, the poet is seemingly available for every gig in town and has started over-talking. He can be downright mean…something Shabana Azmi should check on very soon.

Saroj Khan – Man, she got lucky!! Not only did the almost vanished choreographer get back her groove with the dance show, Naach Baliye. But she has even bagged an independent show on NDTV Imagine teaching nubile girls and young men to shake to the Bollywood beat.

Another one who moved from his failed Bollywood career to a celeb judge and NEVER looked back is, Rajiv Behl of Boogie Woogie dance program. He has just stuck to the judging chair for nearly 10 years now!

Actually, judging contestants has worked quite well for certain established music composers like Annu Malik, Vishal-Shekhar, Bappi Lahiri, Himesh Reshamiya etc. They listened to the best and have been able to get them to sing for them for almost free.

In fact, the biggest beneficiary was Amitabh Bachchan. When his company ABCL had gone bust and he was reeling under debts, Kaun Banega Crorepati rescued him. SRK too made money off the show and used it fund his movie production Om Shanti Om.

Really, who said television was an idiot box? It is more like a make-me-rich-quick box! All hail the TV!!!

Reel life characters you wanna be…

There are certain reel life characters that become part of your life. You want them to come alive. Characters you want to be yourself, marry or befriend.

Some famous and lovable on screen personalities are:

1) James Bond 007 – An incredible role to slip into! You’ll tour the world, see the riches, party like a rockstar…and get paid for it ;-p

2) Superman – Fly around and see the world for free. Since we are not bringing the villains to life, giving supersonic rides for a fee would have made one a lot of moolah.

3) Batman – You get to be a billionaire and a tech savvy genius. Just we’ll have to dump Robin, not classy enough a sidekick.

4) Indiana Jones – Archeology will be a lot more fun with this guy around.

5) Vito Corleone – The Godfather role was mesmerizing, and though we wouldn’t want the mafia to be real…meeting up with this kind of personality would be fun.

6) Prof Henry Higgins – He was an excellent English professor in the movie ‘My Fair Lady’. We need some of these academicians in the University more often.

7) Monica (Friends TV sitcom) – Crazy, funny and clean!! A great organizer, she’d come in handy for spring cleaning sessions ;-)

8) Chandler (Friends TV sitcom) – Sweet, endearing and hilarious. This is one character that was excellent marriage material.

9) Joey (Friends TV sitcom) – He may be dumb, but he is drop dead gorgeous. Love to have him part of the after office routine.

10) Phoebe (Friends TV sitcom) – This madcap is life of your party, and an excellent friend. Wouldn’t let you down.

11) Ross (Friends TV sitcom) – Sane and sophisticated in a unusual way. He has class and if he was for real, don’t think he’d have been the divorce king. He was a keep.

12) Rachel (Friends TV sitcom) – She’s make a good shopping partner, but one to keep away from your boyfriend. A regular heart-breaker that the boys would love.

Camera friendly celeb sport stars

Sports is no longer, alas, just about performing on the field; it is about how you play to the audience. Trendy haircuts, made-to-order designer clothing and the perfect Reebok, Nike or Addidas shoe has become part every chic sportpersons ensemble. In fact, they are style icons that are at the very least endorsing 10 brands at a time.

Let’s take a look at the
Top 5 ‘camera-friendly’ celebrity sportstars:

Rank 1) David Beckam – He sure has some great moves on and off the football field. One of the richest sportsperson, who has been in the brand ambassador lane so long, he could open a school for aspiring celebrities!

Rank 2) Anna Kournikova – She may be one of the worst tennis players of recent times, but she has looks that can sell honey to the bees themselves!

Rank 3) Michael Schumacher – Not only does he look cute in his red suit, but he has been Formula 1’s darling for his brilliant racing skills. Though retired amid allegations of not indulging in fair-play, he still has potential to be exploited.

Rank 4) Sachin Tendulkar – The cricket world swears by his name. He has been credible on the field, and lends the same characteristic to the products he endorses. That is why it was quite a shocker when he endorsed Home Trade – a company that turned out completely bogus and ran off with investor money.

Rank 5) Tiger Woods – He is charming, classy and elegant. Woods appeals to high-rollers in the corporate world. Still quite underrated as a celebrity sportperson, he has many years in front of him to encash his fame he has earned on the golf course.



And then there are some sport stars who have potential in the future…

Sport celebrities of the future?

Rank 1) Magic Johnson – Well he’s still new to this game. This basketball star has still some time left to really weave magic on the screen, but can do well if he keeps his wits together.

Rank 2) The Great Khali – Unsure if WWE rules allow this wrestler to endorse any other brand except their brand of fighting, but if he is permitted this guy will be a run away hit…at least for the moment.

Rank 3) Kimi Raikkonen – He is an excellent driver and is leading in the F1 pack. If he continues his winning streak, he may just roll in some big bucks in the future.

Rank 4) Mahendra Singh Dhoni – He has turned out to be the most successful Indian cricket captain, led the World Cup team and loves the camera.


That is how the list looks right now. But this list is dynamic; the line into the hall of fame is long and winding.

Westerns: The lost movie art

Westerns... The good old days where the likes of Clint Eastwood, Gregory Peck and Gary Cooper strutted their stuff. Sporting a stubble they strolled the streets in heeled spike boots and shot a couple of villains before lunch time.... The desert was their playground and asking for a glass of milk in a dirty glass, almost seemed sexy!

Good, Bad and the Ugly, The Magnificent Seven, Bridge on the river Kuwai, Guns of Navarro, High Noon... these were blockbusters that have no parallels. The stories were well though out, cinematography had an element of high drama and the background scores were unforgettable.

These days the art seemed to be lost. There is not one film maker that has even attempted a decent western in the recent past. Guess, that is why we call them classics. Hard, if not impossible to replicate…

Today the techniques are just too slick and clean for the edgy movies of the past. The wild wild west has made way for aliens and city romances. In fact, today it is hard to imagine a hero with the kind of caliber to carry off such roles. Though, Daniel Craig is one actor you could perhaps still bet on. His blonde, rugged looks may just work…

Western classics have been cherished by generations. Let’s raise a toast to the brilliant actors, directors and writers of that time. May their legacy continue....

Royal Challengers: Mallya’s malady

Whatever Vijay Mallya has done, he has always done in style. He is known to scoop up pretty beauties in his arms and play “Richard Branson” for the Indian media. But this time the hero, the big-wig, all-hail Mallya has fallen flat on his face.

His team, Royal Challengers, playing in the Indian Premier League has hardly posed a challenge! Except perhaps to the sensibilities of the PCB who claim that the team is doing surrogate liquor advertising, and its Muslim players are flouting Islamic tenets by being part of such a cricket team.

If this wasn’t enough hard luck, Charu Sharma – the CEO Royal Challengers and Venkatesh Prasad – team coach, seemed to be part of a verbal battle owing to the non-performance of their team. Of course, the boss was upset and, no sooner said than done, they were fired.

Now, Dravid is all emotional and he too has threatened to walk out. Not that it appears too great a loss if that happens! Rahul has displayed a really lackluster performance throughout the on going series. He and his boys, whom he has picked, seem to lack drive, spirit and coordination.

But is he entirely to blame? No, ultimately the flak needs to be taken by Mallya. He made the decision to choose Rahul Dravid and Charu Sharma. And as the owner he decided to sit back and let them choose his team. He believed they knew better than him.

Well, if that was the case then why sit and whine and start washing dirty laundry in public. First of all, common sense, Rahul excels in Test. So, the first decision itself was wrong. Why did Mallya not use his mind? Why did Mallya not have an expert panel to judge selection? When Mallya acquired companies internationally did he blindly go with the decision of his marketing and finance heads?

The truth is Mallya basks in the glory of controversy. And yes he may be breathing fire, but this beer bellied man is clearly enjoying his tryst with his pet – the media – once again…

The Great Khali madness on TV

Well, if you still have not been choked to the death with news of the Great Khali, then you must be unique! It is crazy how the media – national and international – have adopted Khali as its darling poster boy.

The man who looks retarded and abnormal has suddenly been hailed as an Indian mascot. His eight pack and long drawl has been endearing the more sensible – or at least the perceived sensible – like Sachin Tendulkar even. The way the man, who teaches our kids to go beat each other senseless everyday, is being idolized it is not a far fetched idea that he may soon be bestowed a Bharat Ratna soon.

Khali, if you have any brains left please let the kids know that what you do on screen is pure fantasy. And you do not endorse violence. Seriously, Mr.Ramadoss instead of getting after SRK for smoking, look into the screening of WWE into millions of gullible young minds.

Movie Review: Speed Racer

Another movie that has released close on the heels of action flick Iron Man is Speed Racer. Adapted from the Japanese animation by the same name it is a movie about a younger brother’s fight to avenge his ‘dead’ elder brother – Rex.

Rex Racer was in his time the best race car driver of all times. He, however, is supposed to have died in a Grand Prix that turned dirty. Accusation flew and Rex’s family was investigated for employing illegal means to win the races.

As li’l Speed grew, all he has ever wanted is to bring back the respect his family commanded. Racing is in his blood and he drives his Mach 5 like stupendously. As his name grows the racing cartel wants him to join them and play for their company.

Speed refuses only to realize that the cartel has been for years fixing the outcome of all races and since Rex was not on their side he was axed… To catch the bad guys he bands with a couple of racers including an amazing racer named Racer X. A race car drive whose abilities astonish even Speed.

The movie has very cartoon like special effects and is a typical good-versus-evil story. Star cast wise there is only one really well known name that is Susan Sarandon as Speed and Rex’s mom. Really, what was she thinking when she signed this. Susan has been brilliant in movies like Stepmom, but this was just tiny role that any run-of-the-mill actress could easily have slipped into.

It is neither a great movie nor is it bad.

It is an average flick that you could watch on DVD or perhaps if the summer holidays are near then you and your kids could go watch this. The racing scenes are fun to watch and some of the specially engineered new “tricks” that have been added to the cars for the Grand Prix race can be a real treat.

Stars: * * *

Movie Review: Iron Man

If action and panache is something you are searching for then Iron Man is a sure winner at the box office. A Marvel comic, it has been brilliantly adapted for the typical Hollywood experience.

It is a story about Tony Stark (Robert Downey Jr.) who is a weapons specialist. His genius has given the world fantastical destructive weapons, which according to Stark keeps the balance of power in the world…basically world peace intact.

During one of his trips to show off his new missile system, he encounters the wrath of terrorists. Trapped in a cave and sparked by a need to survive, Tony Stark transforms himself to Iron Man. A robot that can fly, shoot, save damsels in distress and do all that will fullfil any young boy's fantasy!

His journey from a spoilt brat to a world peace seeker is full of plenty of high action drama and humour. Gwyneth Paltrow as Ms. Pepper Pots plays the smart and very-much-in-love secretary. Very restrained acting by Paltrow...though really with an actress like her the director could have got much much more from her. Downey Jr., on the other hand, does great playing the brash over-confident young man he is in real life as well. He looks sexy and this being his first blockbuster, we are sure he will cherish this superhero forever.


All said and done, Iron Man has great stunts and special effects that keep you hooked through the entire 2 hours. Though, I wish they had the suit look and move in a sleeker fashion...like a Terminator inspired soft alloy one.

Recommended to all those who are looking for something to unwind with this weekend.

By the way, be sure that in the next year or two you will see a sequel...

Stars: * * * *